Lying away beside you,
These thoughts run through my head.
The inhale. The exhale.
The watching in the dark.
You can sleep through anything,
except your parents coming home.
But they are gone for the weekend,
so I am here.
Watching you as you sleep.
The gentle movements.
The blue room.
You have no idea.
You sleep, I watch.
We have just been as close as two people can be.
You have said those three words.
And I believed it.
Now you are asleep, and it is dark,
and I am back with myself again.
You have no idea. This dark.
It would be so easy to let you take me with you.
That waking dreamland we escape to every now and then.
To be the person you think I am.
That person worthy of your love...
But I'm not.
I do not deserve you.
Your breath, my confession.
I have hurt people.
Different people, the same hurt.
I have done things because I wanted to.
For no other reason than wanting to.
I have done things.
I have been that darkness.
You are sleeping with your arm around the pillow,
your feet dangling off the bed.
There should only be one of us here.
You have no idea that I will break your heart.
When you break someone's heart,
you also break your own.
Whenever I approach the truth,
you back away from it.
You don't want to know.
But you should.
The more you love me,
the more I will ruin you.
I will take my darkness and I will push it inside you.
I have done unforgivable things.
(You inhale, you exhale)
I have taken advantage of other people's weaknesses in order to cover my own.
I have slept with boys even though I knew they would later make me want to die.
I have lied so often that I've lost all track of the truth.
I have stolen people's boyfriends,
because I knew I could.
I am not capable of something you are capable of.
That is, Love.
I have the capacity for attraction.
Even for admiration.
You deserve someone who will turn her world for you,
someone who will give you sweetness.
I am unkind.
I am that kind.
You say you do not see it.
You say I am too hard on myself.
But I have lived with myself for too many years.
I know exactly how hard I am.
You will argue with me.
(Not now, you are asleep).
You will rip yourself to shreds to prove that I am worth loving.
You will not hear the chorus of everyone I've let down.
You give me hope.
I debate whether I deserve it.
Forgive me for what I might do to you.
The threat of my past in my future.
The inhale, the exhale.
The unsilent silence.
The blue room.
Seeing in the dark.
The unearned comfort of you.
My regrets. I regret I will try.